Three weeks. Its been three weeks now, since my world was turned upside down. Three weeks since, a man I didn’t know held me against my will, and physically and sexually assaulted me. Three weeks of change and turmoil. In the days after the innocent I didn’t know how to feel or how to act. I didn’t want to be left alone, but I also didn’t want to be around a lot of people. I didn’t want to have to explain myself; I didn’t want to pretend to be happy; I didn’t want to pretend to be sad. So I decided to take all my feelings and write them down. This post is extremely personal but I want to share it for all the girls who are afraid to speak out, for all the girls who think they aren’t strong enough, for all the girls who are told that they aren’t allowed to speak out. You are strong. You are beautiful. You do NOT deserve to be treated like this. This is NOT your fault. I will fight for you if its the last thing I do.
—
4 days. 4 days since my world was turned upside down. 4 days since my life was altered by someone else’s actions, actions that were out of my control, but have still had the ability to make me feel responsible. 4 days since my mind, body, and soul were violated. 4 days of self blaming. 4 days of ‘what-ifs’. 4 days of questioning who I will become and what will become of this. 4 days of detaching myself from the situation. 4 days of defence mechanisms. 4 days of him thinking he's gotten away with this. 4 days of trying to be normal in an abnormal situation. 4 days of wanting it to be 5 days ago.
Everyones heard the phrase ‘fight or flight’, and we’d all like to think we know what we would do in a dangerous or life threatening situation. But the truth is, you never really know until you’re actually in it, until your life is actually in danger, until you're truly fighting or fleeing for your life. But the thing is, theres a third option that no one really talks about. Its also possible that you'll just freeze up. You'll just lay there and let whats happening just happen. Whether you're paralysed with fear, or maybe it’s just shock, or maybe it’s just that fight or flight aren’t an option for you.
I'm here to tell you that if 4 days ago you were to ask me if I was fight or flight, I would have, without hesitation, said fight. I’m a fighter, I.am.a.fighter. I am a New York girl who don't take no shit. But 4 days ago I froze. I didn't fight back, I didn't protect myself. I was paralysed, and for me thats the hardest part. Everything that I’ve worked so hard to become, became non-existent. So my question is, what do you do with that information? What do you do when you feel like you don't even know yourself anymore? And I know what you're thinking…’Lou, this is a common reaction, you need to stop blaming yourself.’ But you're not getting it, I don’t know how, the what-ifs and the self doubts are still there. No matter how much I try to push these feelings to the back burner, they always fins a way to sneak back in. Its like me telling you to stop loving chocolate, that you shouldn't blame yourself for getting fat, that its the chocolate who did this to you, it was the one who made you fat (Ok, maybe not the best example but thats how it feels). And its like I know, I hear you, I'm listening, but I can't. Its just that if I did one thing different, or if one thing that night did or didn't happen, would I be here, 4 days out, feeling like this?
Isn’t it the unknowing that crushes us the most?
My entire world was altered in a matter of minutes and I did nothing to stop it. Are you really understanding how that makes me feel. I’m not afraid of the situation, I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid because I feel like I actually don't know the one person in the world I was supposed to know the most: myself.
Who are you if you don't know yourself?
What causes people to think this type of behaviour is OK? How can it be ok for someone in a matter of seconds to change the course of a life, but feel no remorse? How come I am the one who has to be hurting? How come I'm the one who will feel no true sense of justice? I keep trying to reassure myself by saying it was just a crime of opportunity, but HOW could I of put myself in this inopportune situation? How come Im the one who gets talked about in hushed voices…”Oh thats the girl that was raped at that party...”, while you get to high five your friends? Why will I never be 100% sure who you are because you forced yourself on top of me while I was dead asleep. Why is it that I will be the one to spend hundreds of thousands of hours replaying that night in my mind, while you get to sleep though the night? Why do I get to feel so horrible while you get to talk about that night with fond memories? When do I get answers? When do I get to move on?
But amongst all these feelings of loss, I have gained perspective on one thing: I will not stop fighting for all those girls who go through this on a daily basis. Sexual Assault happens in Ghana more often than any of us would like to think, or know for that matter, considering the lack of reports filled. What if I told you that in America 1 in 4 girls have been sexually assaulted, that within your group of you and your 3 closest girl friends, statically, one of you has probably been sexually violated. Is that sinking in? And to think, America has a pretty high reporting rate, comparably to that of Africa. In Africa, its said that at least 1 in 3 girls, are at some point in their lives sexually assaulted, but again thats only with whats reported. How many cases of girls being abused by teachers, headmasters, their husbands, neighbours, etc., have gone unreported?
I found a quote from an article published in 2014 that said ‘Available statistics show that a total of 1,296 girls in the country were defiled, while 335 other women were raped in 2014 alone’ 335 women were raped out of roughly 24,000,000 people in ghana in 2014, only 335 women were raped. Thats what you're trying to tell me? And I’m supposed to believe that bull? Anyone who lives in Ghana understands that the police are corrupt and religious and strong traditional views cloud most peoples (males) opinion on forced sex. Ghanas society is based on very traditional, patriarchal, and women ignoring values. But how can we change this? How can we make it be seen that forcing children to get married, having sex without a women consent is NOT OK. How do you change actions that have been taking place for thousands of years? How can you tell a young boy that what his father, uncle, brother, teacher, is doing is not ok? How can you make them better? How can we protect these young girls? How can we reach them and tell them they're not alone, that whats happening to them is NOT OK?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions,
but I promise you I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to figure them out,
because tomorrow it will be
5 days.
—
It is now 3 months after the innocent and I have decided to return to Ghana, to my village. Most people don’t approve of my decision to do this but I did it for what I believe to be the right reasons. When I wrote this article I was feeling every in the book: mad, sad, confused, indifferent, passive, I mean the list goes on and on. And due to these feelings and mixed emotions, some of the words in my entry are hurtful towards Ghana as a country. I am still sad, confused, mad, etc about the situation but I want to let you know that not all of Ghana is like this and that is why I choose to come back and complete my service.
My community is filled with some of the most hard working, and kind-hearted individuals that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. They care for me as if they’ve known me their whole lives, they bring smiles to my face every single day. I came back because I realised that my community members shouldn’t be punished for the actions of one bad man. They say one bad apple can ruin the whole bunch, but in this case I refuse to let that happen.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I will learn from this and try to put a positive spin on it, for now I will do my best to protect the girls in my community. I will sit and talk with them about safe sex, and explain to them that saying NO is OK and that no one should ever pressure them into doing something they don’t want to do. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and I will do everything in my power to protect.
This is the one part of the situation I have control over, and I intend to make the best of it. I have 18 months left in Ghana and I plan on helping the people in my village to the best of my ability, despite the actions of this one bad apple.